Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Nacos
by Stand Alone Battle A.I
Summary: Action! Romance! Gas guzzling cars and the stinky undead! this is a repost. KR, AU


After years of just spectating I've decided to throw my chips on the table and see what the heck I can do. All that I ask is that you please review. I'm new to this and I still haven't gotten a style down yet, so I need the feedback!!!

_Please don't sue Disney I swear I'm just borrowing them_

_Lock, Stock __And__ Two Smoking __Nacos_

_By Stand Alone Battle A.I_

With the exception of the occasional funny smell, and the odd off colored cloud here and there. The lowerton industrial district was the very face of productivity and the heart that kept the Colorado town alive. Even now in the middle of the night there were hundreds of cargo vans and semi trucks coming and going. Factories were burning the midnight oil trying to keep up with the demands of the towns many businesses and space center.

But even in the high spirited part of town, there were reminders that some things were not meant to be. A lone factory sat neglected and forgotten. Dirty brick walls and Boarded up doors made the place look haunted and thus was the birth place of at least a hundred different urban legends.

A single beat cop was nervously exploring the dirty trash filled ally with a flashlight. He was especially on edge right now. He heard that if you stepped to close to the building and said the name Bob Moony Five times, his undead spirit would jump out and drag you into the shadows. He opted to play it safe and clam up while making his patrol. Movement in the corner of his eye caused him yelp and swing the light around.

"I didn't even say your name!" His pistol drawn, He was now scanning the ally on full alert. He looked up just in time to see the black silhouette of a female figure spring board from wall to wall all the all the way to the top which she finished off with an improbable flip and spin to the roof and just as fast as he seen the shadow it was gone. He reached into his jacket pocket and produced a small flask. He took one glance at it and tossed it into a nearby dumpster "that's the last time I drink schnapps"

Shego moved across the roof without so much as making a sound until she found the skylight. This was the only entrance to the entire building that wasn't boarded shut. She entered and began the journey down leaping to struts and catwalks her lithe form moving with the grace that cats could only dream of.

Once on solid ground she found and flipped a switch on a nearby wall that activated the lights on a modern and completely out of place kitchen area. It was as if aliens had gone and abducted a kitchen out of a suburban home and dropped it in the corner of the dingy factory. Shego checked the time on her watch.

"He's late" Shego stated coldly. The darkness answered with a high pitched man-scream and was followed by the loud and inevitable crash. Shego rubbed the temples of her forehead as if suppressing a headache

"How that buffoon has lived this long I'll never know" she said as she went in search of where said buffoon might have landed.

"I'm ok! My ass took the fall" a pile of parts cried out.

"Well don't expect me to kiss it and make it feel better" Shego said to herself. She found the pile and grabbed a protruding arm that doubled as a distress beacon. With surprising strength Ron was lifted out of the pile and placed on his feet, he immediately began to brush himself off. An amused smile washed over Shego's face

"Hmm you get points for the direct approach. But you still have to buy me a drink first"

"My pants are gone aren't they?" Ron said flatly as more of a statement than a question. Not even bothering to look down, he looked up instead, and sure enough his missing pants were waving at him from up high. Caught on a bolt that he must have passed on the way down.

"Aww man, you know you'd think that modern science would have solved this problem by now"

"Modern science has you doofus. There called _suspenders_" she dragged the last word out.

Ron having decided to let Shego have the last word in moved on to business

"Alright Shego I've brought… _the goods_" Ron said as if making a major drug deal, Shego rolled her eyes at the teenager's antics.

"Yah? Well I brought your stupid plush toy" Shego produced a small stuffed animal. Where it had been riding in her skin tight suit was anyone's guess.

"Aww c'mon Shego it sounds so much cooler the way I said it" his thought was cut off the second he took hold of it. It was the cuddle buddy kittybee.

Kittybee the godless cross of a kitten and a bee, if a cat got drunk, passed out, and woke up at a bee hive a few short months later you would get something that looked like kittybee.

"Ugh I don't see the fascination with those things, they creep me out" Shego had issues with small plush toys ever since her run in with Mr. Sit-down in TV land

"But Shego how could you hate something so cute?" a valid question on Ron's part as the kittybee was cute. Like someone had injected the unnatural hybrid with enough sugary cuteness to strike a mortal man down with diabetes. And the star on the on its furry thorax indicated that this particular one was rare, **very rare,** so rare that you statistically had a better chance of finding Jimmy Hoffa or the holy grail. _Kim is gonna freak when she sees this! _

Shego watched with a raised eyebrow as Ron did the Macarena in silent celebration. She knew why Ron asked for this. It was going to be Kim's birthday in a week and Ron knew that to get her something really personal he had to think outside the box. And that meant making deals with people that might make himself look bad. Not that Shego wasn't at risk either as they both were in a position to have there reputations tarnished if they were seem together and not fighting. But Shego's payment was going to make the risk worth it.

"Alright Crocker, I'm waiting on my cake" She barked at the pants less chef. This was her payment, a cake. But not just any cake. Ron's travels around the world allowed him to have access to ingredients that you could never find at your local groceries store. Combine this with Ron's almost Zen like cooking abilities and you had food that could defy the human imagination.

"You got it Shego one, super villain of all chocolate cakes coming up." Ron went to the small kitchen area and got to work. He grabbed his back pack and began pulling out ingredients, most were in small cloth sacks. It was then that Ron froze and looked at Shego. She knew what he was going to ask. It was the one requirement for anything she got for him.

"You didn't steal this did you?" a look of concern grew on his face. This was the one thing that could ruin the moment for Ron. Shego pulled a look of innocence

"What? Me steal, I'm hurt Ron." Shego pouted

"Shego!"

"Alright, wet blanket" Shego's traditional sneer came over her face making Ron a little nervous

"Let's just say I traded one cuddle buddy for another..."

---------

Fabio would be proud. The beautiful sunny beaches of Australia seemed to scream romance with the crystal clear water, the perfect sand, and the blue skies as far as the eye could see. If it was possible for a place to will women out of there clothes then this would be it. Or so monkey fist thought as he looked out the window of the small beach side cabin. He turned around and continued his supervision of the gaggle of monkey ninjas who were busily placing scented candles, mood setting lights, and incense around the house. More ninjas were in the bathroom drawing a bath and adding salts and bubble bath solution. Monty looked to Chippy, his second in command who was coordinating the whole operation.

"Hurry you fool! She will be here any moment now and I want you flea ridden fur balls out of here!" Had it not been for the hood Fiske would have seen the scowl Chippy had on his face. Monkey Fist allowed himself to pull out a green envelope and read it

_Dear__ Monte, I'm going on vacation and was going to bee a little lonely. Why __don't you come by and keep me__ company__? Forever yours Shego, _Monte's eyes drooped down to the bottom.

_PS. Bring massage oil _

Monty then sniffed the letter and could still pickup the faint smell of Shego's alluring perfume.

"You know Chippy I'm surprised it took this long for that woman to come to her senses. I mean honestly what was she thinking hanging with that blue moron, when I of noble blood was here the whole time?" The mutated man monkey dwelled on the thoughts Shego's endless curves and fine figure. He bet that he could even get her to become his lackey when he was done with her. She didn't know Tai Shing Pek Kwar but she was still a very formidable fighter. Chippy approached and gave him the thumbs up signaling that the operation was complete

"Good. Now I want you guys to disappear, and I do not want to be disturbed under any circumstances. Shego and I have to get down to some... monkey businesses!!" a laugh escaped monkey fist that was borderline psychotic. Chippy rolled his eyes. How long monkey fist was saving that little gem for was anyone's guess. But he didn't care; he had passed several choice banana trees on the way here and wanted to get to them

"Well what are you waiting for? Out. Now!" a few seconds and a few screeches later he was alone. He spent the next hour trying to strike the right pose to greet Shego with when he heard the door open and shut. The English lord maintained his selected pose that was common amongst most porn stars. His heart was racing, the blood was flowing, and he was ready for action! That was till she stepped into the doorway dressed only in a robe.

"Montykins!!" his heart sank

Fist tried to make words but his mouth didn't seem able. You could almost hear the theme from _Psycho _in the back ground. DNAmy smiled seductively revealing the huge gap in her teeth as she started talking.

"Oh my little sugar plum I can't believe you came. I thought that mean lady was lying to me for sure!" She opened the robe she was wearing and time stopped for monkey fist. Amongst soldiers it was common knowledge that war was hell. In fact it was even surreal. In moments of sever mental stress the human mind would often enter moments of hyper-reality, oddly disconnecting from reality itself. This was necessary to protect ones sanity in the minds darkest moments. Many would describe it as a sense of fragility wrapped up in a feeling of pure invincibility. Nothing about it makes sense nor does it register fully in the human senses.

_Dear god! Is she wearing a... a... a teddy! _Nope our dear friend the monkey man was not hallucinating. She was indeed wearing the sexy garment. That could make almost any woman into a bomb of sexual lust, _almost_ any woman. The teddy itself looked like it was in just as much distress as monkey fist himself. She would have had to defy the very laws of physics itself to even get in there. One of the buttons that was holding the teddy together snapped under the stress, there was a loud _zing _and a vase by the bed shattered and collapsed in on itself. Daring to look further down he saw she was in fishnet stalkings. This only made her legs look like they were a couple of dolphins caught in tuna nets. Monty may never be able to go to sea world again. And it finally stopped at her shoes which were bright red pumps that looked like were getting ready to explode in doughy foot goodness.

His mind was screaming at him _Run! Fight! Cry rape! Crap your pants! I don't care, do SOMETHING! _But his body didn't respond. He just sort of sat there and made a gurgling sound. DNAmy pulled a CD from the deep cleavage of her bust (there was also a riding crop and a pair of fuzzy cuffs in there but she was saving those for later) and inserted it into the nearby player. The song only drove monkey fist further into madness. _You and me baby ain__t __nothing__ but mammals__So__let's__ do it like they do on the discovery channel!!_

Outside Chippy sat with the rest of the monkey ninjas near one of the banana trees nursing a very fat belly. Completely surrounded in banana peels, they all looked up when they heard a faint scream of sheer terror that was washed away in the sound of the waves _humans have some odd mating habits C_hippy thought

---------

Ron rolled around on the ground trying to gain precious oxygen into his lungs as he nearly laughed himself into unconsciousness

"You **are** evil!!" this earned a proud smile from Shego.

---------

Somewhere, in the high Alps of Japan. A team of six American excavators were excitedly brushing away the thick layers of mud and dirt off of a large sarcophagus, using the care and precise movements of a surgeon. The Lid though badly eroded still displayed a long line of Japanese letters

"I think this is it" some one said. The rest nodded in agreement

"Bring the tent we can't let the sunlight in here" three of the team members separated and retrieved the tent as ordered. Several hours later the tent was set up. The only light that was available were the large halogen work lamps that illuminated entire inside of the temporary structure. No one spoke as all six moved into position around the sarcophagus and hefted the lid off. Two of them instantly drew back trying to plug there nose and suppress coughs while the other four just grabbed there knees and tried not to blow chunks.

"Christ! He's been here a while" They all looked into the coffin and saw the fruits of there labor. The very old, very dried up body of a man. He looked a little like a giant piece of man jerky.

"Stu, check the bio structure on him" The now not so nameless excavators named Stu pulled out a device the size of a tricorder on star trek. It even looked like one too except it was attached to a coiled wire and a long silver point that made the entire unit look something you'd use to check temperatures with. He jammed the pointy end into the body's rib cage with a very unsavory crunch. It sounded like he just poked a giant saltine cracker as a chunk broke off.

"Jesus! Would it be too much to ask to be careful!?" someone scolded

"Shut up, I'm getting the reading... oh yah it's him alright" The one named Stu said, eliciting a smile from the other five. He then turned and grabbed a small cooler from behind him and pulled out several small bags of human blood and a large needle.

"Alright I'm going to inject him. Is everyone ready?" they all nodded as Stu poked the body for the second time.

It took several minutes to inject all of the baggies of blood into the corpse. They watched in amazement as the body began to soften and grow thicker. Small pops and creeks could be heard as tendon and bone reconnected. He could now pass for a regular decayed body. (I mean that in a good way) It was then the now squishy rotted mass began to twitch and sat up. It hadn't formed eyes, lips or fleshy skin yet. This made this look like the beginning of a George Romero film

"Oh god, I can't believe this is happening!" Stu said excitedly. The still regenerating corpse focused on voice and hissed at him. Stu's eyes went wide as the two fangs extended like a pair of switchblades. The creature lunged at him with speed that was both terrifying and disturbing considering it still looked like a zombie.

"OH GOD! I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!!" he said as a bad thing this time. It was all that poor Stu was able to get out before the thing tore into his throat. The others watched in detached fear not moving to help the now late Stu.

Several _long _moments later the creature was done with Stu and stood up to look at the others with its newly formed eyes. They all stood at nervous attention like four fat kids in gym class standing in front of a large bully with a red Voit dodge ball. And the concept was the same too. If he chose you then too bad, at least the others will get away

"What do we call you master?" one of them dared to speak

"My...name.." its voice was wet and raspy. It was obvious that its vocal cords hadn't come in yet.

"My... name is Drake.. Drake Ulla"

I know what your thinking, _Drake Ulla!? __Good__ god __you're__ a nerd! _

Well I'm sorry! it was the best I could come up with. Everybody else has names that are some cool play on a word, so why not me? Be gentle this is my first story and I bruise easily. But if it sucks that bad then go ahead and tell me. I had posted this story once before but due to horrible grammar and rampant misspellings I had to take it down and correct. There are probably still a lot of errors as I could only correct what my word processor showed me. I also want to take the opportunity to thank Ultimate Naco Topping, yvj, MrDrP and S-Chrome who's awesome skills had me laughing ever since I joined this site and were the very inspiration I needed to try this hope you enjoyed and please review


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